Anyone who knows me will know that I am not a fan of advertising. To the point where if I am kicking off about it as I used to do on stage, people tend to give me that sideways glance which gives off the impression ‘Oh Danny is on one about advertising again.’ My main gripe with it is that I find it condescending. An advertising executive would probably retort that they need to appeal to everyone so it needs to land (they would use that word!) on the lowest common denominator (and that word too!). I would retort back to my imaginary advertising executive that they need to go and find a fucking soul. They would then raise their eyebrows, tut and walk away, muttering something like ‘You just don’t get how the world works Danny.’ See what even the thought of advertising does to me? I get in imaginary arguments with imaginary advertising executives.
This does leave me in a bit of a strange place when it comes to adverts that are not trying to sell you stuff and shit but are from a government agency trying to communicate a message. They are just trying their best to keep you safe and in-the-know right? For example, Highways England have recently released an advert advertising how to drive on a (laughably named) smart motorway. Go on, have a watch, it’s only a minute long:
Breakdown on a motorway? Go left – YouTube
Now, how long was that minute? At which part of the advert did your arsehole pucker up in embarrassment at being attached to the same body and eyeballs that have just witnessed this crime against humanity? You may now need some kind of pill to help you calm down but welcome back. Let us begin:
For a start, there is this line from Highways England themselves in their PR release, if that is what you call such shite:
Testing with focus groups found that the distinctive characters, music and humour made the important message very memorable and people will remember what to do in the event of an emergency.
Indeed they will, it’s so simple now. The first thing I would think of when my car is screeching down the motorway at a 90o angle on the front grill of a HGV that has smashed into me from the side is ‘Now what did that hilarious advert advise me to do if I was ever in a bit of a pickle on the motorway? There was a song…hang on I’ve got it…it was…Don’t jest?…Just rest?…drive to Barnard Castle for an eye test?…ah I’ve got it…Go left…’
It may just be too late at this point.
The most obvious thought that popped into my head was where else would you go on a motorway if you had to stop in an emergency, other than left? Would your natural instinct be to veer to the right into the fast lane and speed up as if that somehow made you think faster about what to do? Or would you just think fuck it, something has gone wrong, I know what to do, I’ll swing right into the central reservation and see if that fixes the emergency. On any road, who doesn’t know to go to the left in any kind of situation?
The slight paradox here is that most smart motorways do not have a full hard shoulder anymore so that this part of the motorway can be opened up to traffic (smart!). Highways England have said that ‘Drivers travelling at 60mph will typically pass a safe place to stop no more than every 90 seconds.’ Which is just super, assuming your emergency doesn’t involve a very sudden stop and you have just passed one of these safe places. Because if you do and you have then you could be up to 1.5 miles away from the next safe place. Which to me leaves four options:
- Get out of the car and play a game of Frogger to try and reach the barrier in a scene reminiscent of this scene in Bowfinger.
- Put your hazard lights on and stay where you are, hoping the fierce glow of your lights will somehow stop a truck from careering into the back of you at 50mph.
- Get out and push your own car up to 1.5 miles to the next safe place, trying your absolute hardest to emulate Fred Flintstone and getting your car up to a reasonable 55mph so you do not hold up traffic/die too much. Remember to indicate when changing lanes and flick your hazards to say thank you to anyone who lets you in a gap.
- Or my personal favourite, push your car against motorway traffic to the safe place that you just passed. This has the added bonus of practicing your steering while reversing, should you live long enough to get the chance.
If you can get out of the car Highways England has some further advice on how to get to safety here. If you’re not in an emergency area (safe place) they advise you to be extra careful if getting things out of the boot. This seems like a bit of a given if traffic is trying to get past you at 70mph. They also advise that you should take a ‘mobile phone, coat, hi-vis clothing, food, drink and medication.’ I hope you are with a few people or have loads of arms.
Highways England also advise that pets should be left in the vehicle, even if you think they may become upset. I see no reason why the family dog would get upset at the entire family abandoning it in a stationary vehicle while a stream of traffic is screaming past it while honking horns and flashing lights. Maybe this piece of advice will be expanded on in the next advert using the same song (because our focus groups found they retained information better when the tune stayed the same, or some shite like that):
Leave pets…
Just ignore the cries
Leave pets…
They will only die
Leave pets…
They just shit everywhere
Leave pets…
You don’t really care
As a final point, perhaps it’s also not the best idea to have two squished creatures singing the warning at you, as hilarious as the creators may have thought it is. This has been pointed out by a widow of someone who died on one of these smart motorways who presumably was not in one of the focus groups (whatever one of those is. ‘Oh Danny, you just don’t get it do you?’ No).
Daniel McChrystal 