I know; it’s another really weird title. And if you have found your way here expecting some really disturbing erotica then I promise this page will disappoint you. Because what I want to talk about is the Nazi event of 1931 – the wedding of Dr Joseph and Magda Goebbels. Joseph Goebbels was the Gauleiter of Berlin, which roughly means he was the regional leader but is more commonly known as the minister of propaganda for the Nazi party. And when I say doctor I don’t mean a proper doctor; he was a doctor of philology. I had to Google what this was because my first thought was that it was the study of blokes called Phil but apparently it is to do with the study of oral and written languages. But I digress! Let’s get back to ‘Hallo!’ magazines most exciting event of the year!
The obvious place to start is the speeches. As a virulent anti-semitic penguin, Dr Jo was a famed orator and so was his best man; none other than Adolf himself. As good at speeches as they were their targets were usually everything they considered un-German and not generally known for their wit. It’s difficult to imagine Adolf regaling the crowd with stories of how Joseph was the butt of jokes for weeks after copping off with Big Helga from their favourite Munich beerhall back in the 1920’s. Or how Adolf and the others once tied Joseph to a lamppost in Berlin after a night out, bollock naked except for his swastika undies.
It’s much easier to picture both Joseph and Adolf just tearing into Jews, Gypsies, Slavs, Communists, and the physically or mentally disabled for an hour each while the guests sat there wishing they would just shut the fuck up so they could tuck into some food. Interestingly though there is some proof that Magda’s father was Jewish so maybe the two of them just ripped into him before having him escorted off the premises and jailed. Jokes!
Details of the wedding beyond the basics are difficult to find. It is commonly known however that during Adolf’s speech he suffered from dry mouth and although teetotal the only drinks in front of him were four Bacardi Breezers (orange flavour I think). He had no choice to get on it and so by the end of the speech, and not used to the effects of the alcohol, Adolf was, well there is no other way to say it, he was on one. As food was served and eaten he proceeded to tell Joseph the same shit joke about an otter called Dennis a total of seventeen times, laughing loudly after each telling. And after that he got jealous that Joseph was about to do the first dance with his new wife so instead hijacked Joseph and proceeded to do that famous dance from Dirty Dancing (Adolf being Patrick Swayze, obviously). Which was not only amazing from a physical point of view but also for the fact it predated the movie by 56 years. Magda was initially furious but then remembered how much she loved the Fuhrer and later reflected what a brilliant story it would make at parties when the Nazis ruled the world. Joseph later commented that he’d had the time of his life.
Feel free to fact-check the above. The only detail I am not sure of is the Bacardi Breezer flavour; it could well have been that they were lemon flavour. But the rest of it is definitely true and absolutely not Nazi-style propaganda.
Although the day was a happy one, much like the Third Reich, it all ended in tears. Joseph had several affairs, the most famous of which was when he started blitzkrieging Czech actress Lida Baarova. She played racy roles in Nazi films; roles that were considered unbecoming of German women. In response Magda started getting schnitzelled by Joseph’s secretary Karl Hanke. Magda even proposed a menage a trois with Lida to save her marriage. In the end Hitler had to step in like an evil Jerry Springer and sort it out and in Adolf’s Final Thought pooh-poohed Magda’s three-way proposal as it could damage the image of Nazi family values.
The propaganda machine kicked into action and newspapers published photos of the happy Goebbel’s family being happy and definitely not bratwursting other people. As for Lida, who had weirdly already met Adolf a few years earlier on a film set in Berlin, she was blacklisted and forbidden from appearing in plays or films. When she attended a premiere of her own movie, the Gestapo had organised hecklers to shout ‘Whore!’ at the screen whenever she was on (and I thought I had had some rough gigs). Also, there were rumours that Adolf himself was attracted to Magda and ordered Joseph to marry her so they could at least be close. It all sounds exhausting and a bit too much like Desperate Nazi Housewives to me.
Daniel McChrystal 