Nazis

There, got your attention with that title didn’t I? Now what am I going to write? Maybe write rabidly about over-zealous parking attendants? Jot down a few notes about those people who engage online with others by criticising there use of their, they’re or there (see what I did their?). Or scribe down a collection of thoughts about the actual Nazis who ruled Germany for 12 years and were, to put it mildly, a bit genocide-y?

Or shall I just make every sentence a question like an Antipodean until you lose your mind and fuck off to look at videos of people falling over in a variety of comical ways? Okay I’ll stop. It’s time to talk about the actual Nazis. I have just finished watching Hitler’s Circle of Evil so this is the main source for what follows. And no, Hitler’s Circle of Evil was not an exciting circus show nor a Spirograph expansion pack. It is more to do with the main Nazi henchmen and their relationships with Adolf as well as each other during the rise and ultimate demise of the Nazi party. If you want serious historical analysis I recommend going anywhere else.

I’d like to start the series by introducing each of the circle by way of what I think would have been their dating profile:

Adolf Hitler: Born in Austria, I always dreamed of being a painter before making the small leap to mass-murdering tyrant. Although I am a serious person, I do love being off my tits on Dr Morell’s famous vitamin shots (amphetamine injections and cocaine eye drops being personal favourites). Vegan – I know, I’m one of them! – but only because of severe stomach problems so I do, how do you say, expel gas a lot. You would not want to be stuck in a bunker with me! Looking for someone who would like a very short engagement and wouldn’t mind chewing a cyanide tablet before being shot in the back of the head and then set on fire as the ultimate honeymoon experience. Ideal match: Aryan warrior queen

Rudolf Hess: If you fancy a touch of the exotic and mysterious, then Rudy is for you! Born in Egypt to a German family, I have always prided myself on my loyalty and magnificent eyebrow(s). I’m also into the occult – dream reading, second sight, astrology, telekinesis, basically any old shite that isn’t real and has never been confirmed with empirical evidence! Looking for someone for possible long walks on Scottish beaches after crash landing a plane and trying to negotiate…oops I’ve said too much, I told you I was mysterious. Ideal match: Neanderthal.

Heinrich Himmler: HH to my friends, of which I have none, because I have this habit of killing everyone near me. I have no sense of humour, don’t like anything except mass murder and was likely saved from an early death in WW1 by the ending of hostilities before I could see any action. Before I was made responsible for the security of the Nazi empire and key implementer of the Final Solution, I worked in a manure-processing factory. So if I had a sense of humour you could say I have always been full of shit! But I don’t so if you laugh I will set the SS on you. Ideal match: Corpse

Herman Goring: I was once a dashing fighter pilot but these days I doubt my massive arse would fit in a cockpit. I’m very cultured and love my art; more specifically I love plundering the world’s artistic treasures and stashing them all away. Always up for a good time thanks to various addictions to various substances, no-one has ever called me Boring Goring! Do not call me Meyer. Ideal match: Anything with a pulse

Joseph Goebbels: Would like long walks on the beach if I didn’t have a deformed foot that left me walking like a penguin. I’ve always been good at raising morale, unless you are Jewish, Communist or anything I consider un-German. I invented fake news before it was sexy. Ideal match: Non-Jew, non-Christian, anti-communist, anti-everything; basically Adolf with boobs.

One of the most striking things about this motley crew of fuckwits is how little they resemble a master race. Between gastro complaints, addiction issues and physical problems, the group of them would be the shittest five-a-side football team in history. The only ones who might be slightly useful are Goring because his bloated frame would fill the goal or perhaps we could use Goebbels as a corner flag.

Coming up next week…tune in for details of the best Nazi wedding there ever was.