Office differences

Below is an incomplete list of things that are bafflingly different in the office compared to, er, not in the office.

Cards

People leave jobs. People get married. People create offspring. When these things happen, other people get them cards stating ‘Well done for this thing you did’. This is not a secretive operation because the people who did the thing know they have done the thing and the other people getting them a card know they did the same thing because that’s what it says on the card they are going to give them, congratulating them for the thing.

For some reason in an office though, the multiple signings of these cards must be done in complete secrecy, like CIA-level secrecy. If you have the card and are waiting to pass it on to someone else to sign and you see the person who the card is for steaming towards you, then you had better fucking hide it underneath something. If they know you are all getting them a card and they find out, well that is instant dismissal (don’t worry, you’ll probably get a card).

It’s even better if you are super-organised and have a list of people to sign the card attached to the envelope. This means people don’t have to wander around the office looking like a beggar asking for someone to hand it on to.

One final point – be careful to give the card your full attention when you are writing your message inside. It could be a bit upsetting for the recipient to read a message saying ‘Congratulations on the promotion’ in a bereavement card.

Cakes

Cakes are available from a lot of vendors for most of the day. As far as I know there are no restrictions on when you can buy cake or how much cake you can buy. There are no Cake Police and you don’t need a special pass to buy them, even if you are enormous. For some reason however, if someone brings cake into the office people lose their minds.

I have heard people squeak with delight at the sight of a cake at the end of a row of desks. I have seen people walk past cake and let out massive ‘Oooooooh’s as if cake has been rationed for decades. I have heard liars walk towards office cake uttering something along the lines of ‘I shouldn’t do, I’m on a diet…’ but before they even finish their sentence their fat faces are smeared with cake.

Similar to cards, cakes are usually bought to mark an occasion. Someone is leaving. Someone has passed a course of some kind. Someone is struggling with a diet so wants to help everyone else stay fat.

My personal favourite which I think is fairly common is people having to bring in cake for their OWN birthdays into work. Of course it isn’t mandatory but if everyone else does it you definitely have to do it, although it isn’t mandatory (it is though). Don’t feel pressured because it is your choice but you definitely have to do it, even though you don’t (again, you do). You might as well go the whole hog and buy your own birthday presents as well and sing happy birthday to yourself on your own, climaxing in a series of 50 solo hip-hip-hoorays. Your choice though.

Language

Outside the office, people generally use the same few thousand words to communicate with each other. However, in the office and especially in meetings people can often compete with each other to come up with the most moronic words in feeble attempts to look smarter than they actually are. Have some examples:

• Blue-sky thinking – a term used to define thinking not grounded in reality. An honest alternative would be to say someone is full of shit.
• Synergising – an actual word that no normal person would use, means to bring different parties together to achieve a goal. Another way to say it would be to tell people who are being obstructive to stop being bellends.
• Swim lanes – a special kind of unnecessary bollocks. Basically a column or a row with a load of tasks on. You don’t even need to get wet. Call it a workstream and watch your project manager have a seizure (NB workstreams also do not require swimming trunks).
• Thought shower – used to be called brainstorms until someone was offended on behalf of people with epilepsy despite people with the condition not even being arsed. Expect brainfart to be outlawed imminently due to someone being offended on behalf of flatulence sufferers. Thought showers are not to be confused with golden showers.

Cups of tea

This is an area where people really get to send their pedantry into top gear. It used to be that people would be normal and just have normal tea and the only choice on offer would be how many sugars you have with it. If you are unfortunate enough to be dragged into a tea round you should take note of some of the following examples of tea exceptionalism.

Milk that we drink, as odd as it really is when you really think about it, comes from cows. Blue milk is too weird tasting and red milk is white water so green milk should be the standard for everyone. But beware of those who drink soya milk, almond milk, long life milk, goats milk or coconut milk. There is probably some loon that drinks their tea with bath milk.

People who have those cups with the swatch of tea styles on the inside lip of the cup can also fuck off for creating unnecessary stress. Sorry if your tea is not the exact shade as indicated on the side of your cup, I did add the milk a drop at a time with a tiny syringe but it would seem that is no match for your shade obsessiveness.

Obviously it goes without saying that all those people who drink liquorice blackcurrant aniseed chamomile raspberry honey elderberry infused tea can also do one. What is wrong with you?