Forget, just for a moment, how shit Northern Rail’s ancient trains and general train service is and let me remind you of some of the sounds you may hear if you have the grave misfortune of having to commute on one of their trains like a time traveller from the Victorian era.
“Attention conductor. Call for aid activated.” I wanted to start with a classic. Every now and again you may hear this automated message over the train tannoy system while travelling. I don’t just mean you will hear it once and it will go away like you might fairly assume. Oh no, it is repeated every 20 seconds or so which on a 90 minute journey might be considered a bit much. Also, what the fuck has happened anyway. There is never an explanation of what activated the call for aid and it doesn’t seem to stop. I have never seen a conductor sprinting down the carriage with a defibrillator on their way to give aid to someone. I’ve never even seen one look mildly arsed while this train jingle repeats over and over again. I have often wondered if I am part of some secret Derren Brown social experiment to see how many times this message can be repeated before commuters start murdering each other.
These announcements are puzzling for another reason; the voice is very clear which is in direct contrast to normal conductor announcements. I’m not sure if the conductors need microphone training but do they put it in their mouth when they make announcements? They all sound like frustrated death metal singers. Good luck to you if you are trying to listen out for the next stop in one of these announcements:
“Schmadies arrrnnnd schmentalllmen, scthe schnexxxt schhtop schis Schmerrrgleschmyrrrh”
“Did he say Preston?”
If you are unlucky enough to have to travel on a diesel train you would do well to even be able to hear that an announcement is being made. The engine noise of the older diesel trains (hilariously called Pacers) is something to behold. To put it into context if you are having a conversation with someone while the train is at a station and the train starts to move you pretty much have to scream in their face to be heard once one of these mechanical beasts kicks into action.
At the larger stations they have automated tannoy systems. I sometimes wonder why they bother with the updates about delays and all the meaningless apologies. Delays and cancellations happen so often they might as well just replace all of these with someone laughing manically. Perhaps a crazed serial killer laughing hysterically or if it’s daytime, something a bit lighter like the laughing policeman.
The one automated announcement I do like is the one where they say “If you notice anything suspicious while travelling today, please inform a member of crew.” The other day I did notice something deeply suspicious; the train was on fucking time*.
Back on the train, one noise that can’t be blamed on Northern Rail is…..SNIFFFFFFFF! People sniffing. Not just a minor sniff. Not just a larger-than-usual intake of air. Not just a pre-yawn inhalation. I mean people sniffing their own mucus and snot back into their throat to treat themselves to a nice commuting snack during their journey. Is this because there is no snack trolley on the train? Or are you just unable to carry a tissue around like a normal person?
At the next level up you have the serial cougher. That’s not ordinary condensation on the train windows my friends, that is a combination of virus droplets and mucus, clinging to the windows. Just stay off work if you are ill, don’t bring your germs aboard a packed metal tube and spread your contagion around. In this case, sharing is most definitely not caring.
If people aren’t sniffing or coughing they can also occasionally be found having a domestic argument over their mobile phone. I see nothing wrong with that. Nothing at all wrong with airing your views about how your ‘sister’s a tit’ or ‘that prick had better watch his back’ in a metal tube packed with commuters. In fact it is more entertaining than most of the stuff on Netflix but with the added bonus of not having to pay any subscription fees. Although subtitles would sometimes be useful for the domestics involving people from Bolton.
If I had to pick a favourite noise from my journey it would probably be the hydraulic release of the doors at our destination. It is a beautiful sight watching dozens of hardy commuters empty out of the train and bound towards the ticket gates like the Scots in Braveheart, screaming “Freedom!” as they go, even if it is a slight anti-climax when our tickets are rejected by the machines.
* I am joking of course, the train is never on time.
Daniel McChrystal 